If I could drown

If I could drown right now,
goddammit you know that I would.
The simple fading into death would feel better than the pain that is the life that i have had.

Some days your already dead to me.

But your not, you live in my brain.
It's the place your mommies told you to never to go after dark.
You'll get trapped or raped or just never be able to turn back.

You won't have arms or legs and skin.
The words that came through the speakers while you were in me ate them off with the hungriest of teeth.
And yet this would be nothing to compare to this murderous ache inside me.
The kind I spend my every waking day doing every sinister act I can to just one day..

Just cut it the fuck out!

It keeps swimming in me. It keeps taking over.
This black piece of my brain might take us all over.
if some one does not drown me today.

Life: Why do we hurt so much to love?

It was the day before your Christmas.
You seemed as if you were hiding your emotions.

For the first time.

I was unsure of what it was that would come out of your beautiful mouth.

Watching A.T.H.F as usual, the commercials came.
You crept off the bed to our closet with a boyish grin.
Your legs bent at the knees you positioned yourself an inch away from me as you returned.
With a small blue box in hand you seemed so vulnerable .

With your constant beat producing fingers you opened this small box.
To reveal a emerald and diamond ring.

"My birthstone." I breathed silently
"Thank you for doing more than the regular .",I sang.

With animated faces upon us.
You placed this ring on my RING finger.
I was shaken and the most happy this female could possibly be.

After three and one half years of loving each other no matter what happened.
Sharing every inch of space together, that either one had ever encountered.
You being the first and only one , so i imagined to make me yearn for the touch of the male perspective.
After every fight and every kiss.

We sat there.

We silently sat there.

And then...


That uncomfortable silence occurred.

I, sat there with an indescribable Happiness.
You, sat Glorified and..Secure.
I hugged your neck as if i never had and always wanted to.


You didn't ask me anything.
You didn't ask me anything.

I suddenly felt the crash of an endless story building falling upon me.
I said nothing but tears.

Ripping the ring off my finger, you raced out of our room.

You felt as if I didn't appreciate your gift.

I felt stupid for thinking you would be asking me THAT question.

personal murder..

The truth


Well, finally I'll tell you. Every day I wake up and do the same thing you all do. I brush my teeth ans wash my face. And in the midst of "waking up" I suddenly am reminded of how sad I am. It's not as if I didn't know it in my sleep. I always know that.It's just that I've tried to hide it for so long that it has damaged me. So now I'm letting it all go. I will not apologize if you meet me in this state. I'll only apologize if i was unnecessarily an asshole. This is what I see as my time to let you have it!

All of you unforgiven, and abusive humans that I wish, along with others, that you never existed.Those of you that could have tried and you gave yourself excuses, when you had none.The few idiots I meet on the daily.And, I give you a special recommendation, to these humans whom ignored us, raped ,beat and didn't believe in us.

Road Rash

You put me so high on that pedestal.
When you pushed me off my cloud, it might has well been a meteor crashing into the planet we call Earth.

I would have gladly died for you.
But not in this way.
Not by your own hands that I loved so much.

I would have gladly died for you.
But not in this manner.
Not by your own hands that I loved so much.

And if god makes these types of plans..

Then what I want to know is,which illigitamate online courses he took to earn his Architectural Degree?

It just keeps making no sense.

With all the torture that I go through.
All the love I am to miss.

Constant damage driving me even further.
Further into absolute insanity.

Standing at the top of a 98 ft. bridge.
Not there for suicide.

Exactly the opposite .
I just want to live.

I just want to feel what i felt that night.

That night.

Your wretched hand pierced through my chest plate.

Snatched my beating heart , right out of it's cavity.

Thrown on the street like a bag of ice that you were trying to break up to fill up your cooler.

Apparently that just wasn't enough.

The tires from your 91' toyota rolled overwhat was left of me, and squeezed the rest of the life out of me.

That night

You killed more than me.

hope , beauty,trust,love, romance,sex,fucking,pretty dresses,wishes,
and clicking heels that made me feel just a little bit sexy, and most importantly you made sure in your own way that I would never love again.


I live to love, and you knew that, so your damages you have caused have only made me push further through the world and let people see me , even more than you saw.

More of my mind.

The pain.

The lessons

The gleem in my eyes when i find that far and in between moment.

My solo dance that causes postitive conversation.

You didn't kill me after all.

You haven't stolen a piece of me.


I just need to be found


Now who will find me in this life?

paws

Sitting there soaking in all the Sigur Ros she could possibly handle, she had a light turn on. At this same second her trusty pal Black Kat was meading on what appeared to be her sun dried human leg. This of coarse caused a rather human reaction."Why the fuck can't i feel you scratching a hole in pajama's? The female quickly jolts out of the shock of it. And then finds a part of herself that should be a bit worried, without border line freaking the fuck out. Collecting herself she pays attention to Backle and appreicates every second of her loving but ,also affixiated on task at hand personality. Then after a short day dream she begins to press more chalk on to a canvas. Which she feels is where she definately has needed to be and hasn't been able to for too long. "These sketches and strokes are as me as I could possibly be". She chimes. "And if that isn't sufficiant enough for you ,then you can burn in the firey depths of my oven! Pardon me as I set it to broil."

Why does she always have to end it in such a negitive manner I asked myself.but then again who am I?

mem

mem

Ever wonder?

Ever Wonder?

Well, if so, you have something to think about.

mem

Alone

As she sits here with her Twitter and Crackspace and music (thankyou gentlemen),as she writes she realizes she seeping back into her non interested in the general public phase. This she agrees is not a bad place to be , but it has had it's times in the past it went terribly south, so to speak. It typically starts off like this.

A. turning phone off
B. painting and writing at the wee hours of the morning
C. pretending she has something else to do than go out with her few friends
D. screams at the sky while she drunkenly stumbles around in the dark
E. goes days without eating or sleeping(which sadly is normal for her)
F .finally goes out on a druken rampage painting buildings or jumping off piers and bridges

This has all been pretty constant in her life but this right now feels like it will be a bad one.She's begging for inspiration to smile. To laugh. Also remembering the failures withthe few men she adored at some point.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if someone could just magically pop up and hold her ,and tell her she's gonna make it and wipe away her tears. Or better yet just glare in her eyes and take a never to be forgotten kiss? Not that she doesn't have options, she could go out with just about anyone she wanted, but here lies the internal problem. She doesn't want them. She often dreams of a man that will one day love her for all the "insane" quotes and songs that spill into her ever movement.

With that thought over, she understands that her spells are brought on by the insaicable need to love.



mem

the one who got to take over power after the 6's got killed.

and so they asked themselves, "Did she really just,have had enough?"

"Could it be that simple?" a young man in the distance squeaked.

Now her inner soul had been given a reason to jump start itself. She continued silently to listen. Which is a verb very few people she meets acquire the ability to use properly. And so because of being so proper in the smallest of matters, she was allowed to continue on her weathering and unscheduled journey.

..

Hello to new Readers,

First of all, I bet who want to know," why", I'm here. Goodnews! It's a huge confusing mass of questions without answers.


Still here?


Welcome....

you have entered a minuscule particle of everything you believe exists.


mem