Cage and Yak Ballz show New Orleans 7/26/09

I have been extremely excited about this show ever since the tour dates were released about 2 months ago.The drive from Pensacola ,FL to New Orleans, LA was only supposed to be a 2 and 1/2 hr. drive which turned in to 3+ hr. drive becuase of rain and the traffic in th tunnel in Mobile, Al.
Once arrived we got in to our hotel the St. Louis, we freashened up and i try to regain my wits.Ran out for some Subway in the French Quarter,grabbed a beer at he Irish Pub next to the House of Blues on Decatur St. We went up to the box office to buy our tickets for the show, and there was a guy with his GF standing at the front door of the Parish, which is the venue for the Cage show, he was wearing a Weathermen t-shirt. So, I approached him shook his hand and we talked about how much love we have for Cage and the rest of the fellas.The doors opened at 8p.m., me and Chris were the first ones in so we grabbed one out of the 4 tables in the room.Also, I met the bartender, who tells me its a non-smoking show becuase the artists requested it. Which bewildered me at first ,cuz I know they all chain smoke cigs.Then I remembred Yak Ballz has been ill for the past week or so, so that must had been why.

After a while of writing in my journal and drinking a few High Life's, I see Timmy Wiggins setting up the merch table. I go over buy the D.F.M. album, and we head outside for a smoke. Conversing about how I've driven so far to see the show,the fact there are only 20 people in the crowd and 3 females, the other two besides my self are occompanied by their BF's. Also about the fact that the energy may not be as hype as it could be, cuz, quite honestly the crowd sucked we would later realize.
I hear Yak's voice and run back upstairs grab a spot , front and center of the stage. He's killin it right off the bat. Chauncey behind him on the boards grinning the entire time.I do realize that I'm the only one in the crowd that knows his lyrics word for word.After he makes eye contact with me several times, i'm sure he has realized it as well.His energy is great jumping and stomping his feet onstage.He ends with my favorite new track of his, Trust is a aTimebomb. He kills! Quickly exits the stage.

I go grab some more beers and head back outside to smoke and run into Wiggins again, have a chat in the sprinkling rain.Which was refreashing becuase it was so damn hot and muggy there.And there was a nice breeze flowing through the alley ways as well.
I head back in, snatch up another High life, just as I spy Sean Martin and Chauncey Johnson hopping onstage. I quickly grab my front and center spot , right as Cage's beautiful self walks up.
I take a few pics from there on.During his performance you can feel and see the emotion and sincerity of each of his words.Cage has this move he does throughout the set, where he's basicly on his knees staring blankly into my eyes, so close his sweat is dripping on my face.Sean Martin and Chauncey are killin it as well. I make sure to get pic 's of them rockin out.Mid sesh, Cage asks everyone to throw up thier CC's, none except for myself and the guy I told you about earlier with the Weathermen shirt knows what he's talking about, so we proceed to throw up some CC's! I then spy photographer Todd Westphal getting some snaps of me and the crowd.
Later, on Cage' asks the audience if it's anyones birthday today. No one responds. So , I shout,"Well you released, I never knew you on my birthday."He goes,"I cant hear you so, what ever the fuck you just said.' I laughed.He ends the show with ,I never knew you. Finally, the crowd is singing back, like I have been the whole show.He departs from the stage and heads over to the merch table. Most of the kids exit the building. I hop on stage to hang with Sean for a moment, he gives me a great big sweaty hug!.We chat for few, I am very thankful as is he.He signs my journal and my D.F.M. album.Sean is a nice guy, dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

I then head over to talk to Cage and Wiggins and Yak.
As im talking with Chris Palko, I start to thank him for helping me throughout my life, i start to tear up. He then says, "No, Memorie, don't..don't.. do that." He reaches out and gives me a well needed long hug.I'm wispering how proud of him I am .He and Yak and Wiggins then proceed to sign my journal and and album as well as my ticket stub. About this time, Wiggins has my camera and we get a couple shots together in.Then as we are talking again im never taking my eyes from his, he says "It's okay, you can hug me." So yes we hug again, might i add i really needed that.Cage thanks me once again for driving so far to see them and exits. Just as I'm about to walk out the door, up walks Chauncey's adorable self. We hug and and do the whole signing thing again. I wish them all a safe travel for the last leg of the tour. Now, I exit step out into the rain, feeling half-complete.


Thank you guys, I love all of you very much!

Memorie

This past week and 1/2

First off i woke up last week with horrific pain in my lower jaw. I saw that I had a wisdom tooth coming in.After a couple of painful days,and enough Loratabs and Ibuprofen to make my stomach reach out of my abdomen with a Colt .45,point it to my head and with a demanding voice,say,"If you don't stop this I most certainly will take care of it!" I hurriedly scheduled an appointment with my dentist. He tells me after the X-Rays were taken , that my wisdom tooth was not the problem.Turns out I had 2 major cavities in my lower right molars."Oh fucking wonderful!"

So we go through the process of me crying my eyes out him tugging and pulling until 2 teeth had been removed.He filled me yet another script of Tabs. A couple days later I awake with even more intense pain then i had to begin with the whole ordeal.It was Sunday, so i had to give my dentist a call at home. He called in antibiotics and another script for tabs. At this point Ill tell you my stomach is old school and serious.We negotiated him not blowing my head off.I was on the meds for 5 days and yet no pain ceasing .So this morning I called in yet again.This time my Dentist and i are thinking we are about to remove the wisdom tooth.Then as he is removing my stitches from the 2 teeth he had pulled last week, he loudly exclaims,"Damnit Memorie, you've got a dry socket!This whole time your mandible has been exposed and developing bacteria!"

This slightly scares me. So him and his assistant clean out my mouth. Which by the way was killing me!!!! He stuffs in some weird gawd awfull tasting thing in my holes in my mouth. And tells me I'll feel like a million in 30 minutes.
"That easy huh, after over a week of crying ,punching walls,staying in bed and plotting my death.Oh, yea and being completely sober of alcohol . All you had to so was remove some frikin stitches and suck out some bacteria?"I thought to myself. "Jesus fucking H Christ!Holy fucking shit balls!" So now i'm home and whatever is in these little gum/jaw patches is better than any drug i've ever done in my life. But also has the effect of vodka,example.(running into every piece of furniture and wall in the house) I'm just hoping when whatever it is , when it wears off the pian will not return. And this story will be over!


Pieces of Later,
mem

This is...

This is the day I have feared for so long.The day I really except giving up. I'm tired of the tears that don't end.That my few friends have witnessed year after year. Im tired of not wanting to get out of bad or out of the sand I passed out in, day after day.
Im sick of going days and sometimes a week or two without sleep. Then being manic the following day or days. I'm exhuasted.
And to the poeple im suppose to forgive, never appoligized to begin with. This soul is not empty, it feels as if it's an endless pit of nothing. I am nothing? The day i have feared is when i no longer think of those who will feel pain, or confusion or anger if i chose to off myself. The day is near,seconds and moments throughout it . Yes, I may be Bi-polar,and quite possibly Schitzophrenic . And i dont care, never really have.I'm sorry if i ever or may cause any of you that stood by me a great pain or anguish or confusiion or anger.There was nothing you could have done.I thank you greatly for your existance all you have done and the time after time you have been there for me.I thankyou for your hugs,truth, smiles and non judgement.
I just have to quit at some point.

No more running for Memorie.

thankyou for tuning into Channel Memorie

one more time

Mother's Day

Mother's day

I recently have been trying to fill these empty pages. I have more than enough to say about how, "I really hurt."

Somehow ,I just can't .
Not right now. Give me an hour, two days,or maybe my life. One day I will spill how much I live from the hurt of you.

Rather it's the lack of you, the excess of your existence. Or just the women I am afraid of becoming, because I have the genes from your families red hair, freckles and height. I am afraid. I am afraid, I'll be evil,abusive and worthless. After what and who I witnessed you be. I want nothing, to be you. I hope I die, before that could ever occurs.

So, I guess I had to say something .

Finally !

Now that your not here beating me down to the little pulp that I became.
Yet, still am, in these few ways.

So far .

I try to stand just to stand stronger than I am. And I dream in just one of my eyes that I create my own reality, as I have so far believed. You can keep calling me crazy.

That's just fine with me.

Myself.

And Memorie.

We all have agreed we don't want anything to do with being like you!


Absolutely nothing to do with ...

The ones who?
The ones who?



Judge anyone , not dare trying to understand for even a split second.
A crying girl you saw through your pathway to work.You couldn't know why she cried yet you decided it wasn't important enough for you to ask or think.
The fat man that you always see in your city.

No matter whom it be.


You chose to judge.


You chose to love.


Or not.


Your just another reason why she still lives.

Curiousity Dressed in Blood

Silently he bothered me.
With a quick glance he commits a stab.
While the blue blood leaks out and turns to red.

In a murderous shout, "You'll have to do more than that if you want me dead!!!!"

Then my quick fist of survival filled fury, I impact your face, sending those pearly whites flying...
to the adjacent room.

Looking shocked, why should you?
You should have contemplated this before..
You brought the doom.

They payed you to kill me.
You asked yourself if you were powerful enough to do it.
Tracked me down, got close to completing the task.
It was lights out!
I was that close to death!


Lunging at me, as to not give up.
Blade ripping across my calf. Half my muscles hanging out.
I'm still not beheaded.
That's the only way to finish this job.
Considering my hearts' been........... dead.............

Another tussle on the floor.
You look like you want some more.

"Well have no fear dear, i like this fight."
I'm likin' this so much it could go on all night.

Soon our stealth more of a trouble, our blood has created huge puddles.
The knife's gone missing.
All we have left is ourselves and the slight amount energy still dangling.
Exhausted and now near the end,
your on my torso, knees bent, my fragile wrists held to ground.
Last quick punch and for me it's lights out.



They payed you to kill me.
You asked yourself if you were powerful enough to do it.
Tracked me down, got close to completing the task.
It was lights out!
I was that close to death!

My eyes opened to a shocking surprise, sunlight.
Instantly my entire body screamed!

Jumping to see where the fuck I was.
Covered in stitches and bandages.

Your standing in the doorway.
Medically tended to, yourself.
With a tray full of warm breakfast.

Heart inside me pounded with fear of trickery.
I suddenly realized.
You should have killed me.

They payed you to kill me.
You asked yourself if you were powerful enough to do it.
Tracked me down, got close to completing the task.
It was lights out!
I was that close to death!

Trusty Ol' journals.

Not knowing how to tell you how I perceive myself today.

Desolately trapped by my analytically perplexed mind.
Sitting here petrified.
No where to run, no where to hide.
I mean seriously how does one run from one's own thoughts.
Spinnning in endless circles.
Not able to finish a thought.
Before another jumps in out of turn to lead me deeper into absolute confusion.


mem

"WHY?"

Why?

Didn't you just off me when you had the chance, becuase you know i can't do it myself?
Just watching and listening to me for the past few years should have been enough reason for you to do me this one fucking favor.

Chewed me to bits year after year.
Beat me sense less since the age of 5.You'd think that would have been enough.
Of course , it couldn't be that easy.
Powerless even with the eraser in my hand.

I once thought i had mastered the ability to forget.
I was wrong.
You snuck up on me like a starving for that smack rapist.
Stole my clear headed life right out of my cranium.
Drained my willlingness to focus on what healthy life i had built for myself.
Implanting your demons deep with my esoteric soul.

If I could drown

If I could drown right now,
goddammit you know that I would.
The simple fading into death would feel better than the pain that is the life that i have had.

Some days your already dead to me.

But your not, you live in my brain.
It's the place your mommies told you to never to go after dark.
You'll get trapped or raped or just never be able to turn back.

You won't have arms or legs and skin.
The words that came through the speakers while you were in me ate them off with the hungriest of teeth.
And yet this would be nothing to compare to this murderous ache inside me.
The kind I spend my every waking day doing every sinister act I can to just one day..

Just cut it the fuck out!

It keeps swimming in me. It keeps taking over.
This black piece of my brain might take us all over.
if some one does not drown me today.

Life: Why do we hurt so much to love?

It was the day before your Christmas.
You seemed as if you were hiding your emotions.

For the first time.

I was unsure of what it was that would come out of your beautiful mouth.

Watching A.T.H.F as usual, the commercials came.
You crept off the bed to our closet with a boyish grin.
Your legs bent at the knees you positioned yourself an inch away from me as you returned.
With a small blue box in hand you seemed so vulnerable .

With your constant beat producing fingers you opened this small box.
To reveal a emerald and diamond ring.

"My birthstone." I breathed silently
"Thank you for doing more than the regular .",I sang.

With animated faces upon us.
You placed this ring on my RING finger.
I was shaken and the most happy this female could possibly be.

After three and one half years of loving each other no matter what happened.
Sharing every inch of space together, that either one had ever encountered.
You being the first and only one , so i imagined to make me yearn for the touch of the male perspective.
After every fight and every kiss.

We sat there.

We silently sat there.

And then...


That uncomfortable silence occurred.

I, sat there with an indescribable Happiness.
You, sat Glorified and..Secure.
I hugged your neck as if i never had and always wanted to.


You didn't ask me anything.
You didn't ask me anything.

I suddenly felt the crash of an endless story building falling upon me.
I said nothing but tears.

Ripping the ring off my finger, you raced out of our room.

You felt as if I didn't appreciate your gift.

I felt stupid for thinking you would be asking me THAT question.

personal murder..

The truth


Well, finally I'll tell you. Every day I wake up and do the same thing you all do. I brush my teeth ans wash my face. And in the midst of "waking up" I suddenly am reminded of how sad I am. It's not as if I didn't know it in my sleep. I always know that.It's just that I've tried to hide it for so long that it has damaged me. So now I'm letting it all go. I will not apologize if you meet me in this state. I'll only apologize if i was unnecessarily an asshole. This is what I see as my time to let you have it!

All of you unforgiven, and abusive humans that I wish, along with others, that you never existed.Those of you that could have tried and you gave yourself excuses, when you had none.The few idiots I meet on the daily.And, I give you a special recommendation, to these humans whom ignored us, raped ,beat and didn't believe in us.

Road Rash

You put me so high on that pedestal.
When you pushed me off my cloud, it might has well been a meteor crashing into the planet we call Earth.

I would have gladly died for you.
But not in this way.
Not by your own hands that I loved so much.

I would have gladly died for you.
But not in this manner.
Not by your own hands that I loved so much.

And if god makes these types of plans..

Then what I want to know is,which illigitamate online courses he took to earn his Architectural Degree?

It just keeps making no sense.

With all the torture that I go through.
All the love I am to miss.

Constant damage driving me even further.
Further into absolute insanity.

Standing at the top of a 98 ft. bridge.
Not there for suicide.

Exactly the opposite .
I just want to live.

I just want to feel what i felt that night.

That night.

Your wretched hand pierced through my chest plate.

Snatched my beating heart , right out of it's cavity.

Thrown on the street like a bag of ice that you were trying to break up to fill up your cooler.

Apparently that just wasn't enough.

The tires from your 91' toyota rolled overwhat was left of me, and squeezed the rest of the life out of me.

That night

You killed more than me.

hope , beauty,trust,love, romance,sex,fucking,pretty dresses,wishes,
and clicking heels that made me feel just a little bit sexy, and most importantly you made sure in your own way that I would never love again.


I live to love, and you knew that, so your damages you have caused have only made me push further through the world and let people see me , even more than you saw.

More of my mind.

The pain.

The lessons

The gleem in my eyes when i find that far and in between moment.

My solo dance that causes postitive conversation.

You didn't kill me after all.

You haven't stolen a piece of me.


I just need to be found


Now who will find me in this life?

paws

Sitting there soaking in all the Sigur Ros she could possibly handle, she had a light turn on. At this same second her trusty pal Black Kat was meading on what appeared to be her sun dried human leg. This of coarse caused a rather human reaction."Why the fuck can't i feel you scratching a hole in pajama's? The female quickly jolts out of the shock of it. And then finds a part of herself that should be a bit worried, without border line freaking the fuck out. Collecting herself she pays attention to Backle and appreicates every second of her loving but ,also affixiated on task at hand personality. Then after a short day dream she begins to press more chalk on to a canvas. Which she feels is where she definately has needed to be and hasn't been able to for too long. "These sketches and strokes are as me as I could possibly be". She chimes. "And if that isn't sufficiant enough for you ,then you can burn in the firey depths of my oven! Pardon me as I set it to broil."

Why does she always have to end it in such a negitive manner I asked myself.but then again who am I?

mem

mem

Ever wonder?

Ever Wonder?

Well, if so, you have something to think about.

mem

Alone

As she sits here with her Twitter and Crackspace and music (thankyou gentlemen),as she writes she realizes she seeping back into her non interested in the general public phase. This she agrees is not a bad place to be , but it has had it's times in the past it went terribly south, so to speak. It typically starts off like this.

A. turning phone off
B. painting and writing at the wee hours of the morning
C. pretending she has something else to do than go out with her few friends
D. screams at the sky while she drunkenly stumbles around in the dark
E. goes days without eating or sleeping(which sadly is normal for her)
F .finally goes out on a druken rampage painting buildings or jumping off piers and bridges

This has all been pretty constant in her life but this right now feels like it will be a bad one.She's begging for inspiration to smile. To laugh. Also remembering the failures withthe few men she adored at some point.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if someone could just magically pop up and hold her ,and tell her she's gonna make it and wipe away her tears. Or better yet just glare in her eyes and take a never to be forgotten kiss? Not that she doesn't have options, she could go out with just about anyone she wanted, but here lies the internal problem. She doesn't want them. She often dreams of a man that will one day love her for all the "insane" quotes and songs that spill into her ever movement.

With that thought over, she understands that her spells are brought on by the insaicable need to love.



mem

the one who got to take over power after the 6's got killed.

and so they asked themselves, "Did she really just,have had enough?"

"Could it be that simple?" a young man in the distance squeaked.

Now her inner soul had been given a reason to jump start itself. She continued silently to listen. Which is a verb very few people she meets acquire the ability to use properly. And so because of being so proper in the smallest of matters, she was allowed to continue on her weathering and unscheduled journey.

..

Hello to new Readers,

First of all, I bet who want to know," why", I'm here. Goodnews! It's a huge confusing mass of questions without answers.


Still here?


Welcome....

you have entered a minuscule particle of everything you believe exists.


mem