This is...

This is the day I have feared for so long.The day I really except giving up. I'm tired of the tears that don't end.That my few friends have witnessed year after year. Im tired of not wanting to get out of bad or out of the sand I passed out in, day after day.
Im sick of going days and sometimes a week or two without sleep. Then being manic the following day or days. I'm exhuasted.
And to the poeple im suppose to forgive, never appoligized to begin with. This soul is not empty, it feels as if it's an endless pit of nothing. I am nothing? The day i have feared is when i no longer think of those who will feel pain, or confusion or anger if i chose to off myself. The day is near,seconds and moments throughout it . Yes, I may be Bi-polar,and quite possibly Schitzophrenic . And i dont care, never really have.I'm sorry if i ever or may cause any of you that stood by me a great pain or anguish or confusiion or anger.There was nothing you could have done.I thank you greatly for your existance all you have done and the time after time you have been there for me.I thankyou for your hugs,truth, smiles and non judgement.
I just have to quit at some point.

No more running for Memorie.

thankyou for tuning into Channel Memorie

one more time

Mother's Day

Mother's day

I recently have been trying to fill these empty pages. I have more than enough to say about how, "I really hurt."

Somehow ,I just can't .
Not right now. Give me an hour, two days,or maybe my life. One day I will spill how much I live from the hurt of you.

Rather it's the lack of you, the excess of your existence. Or just the women I am afraid of becoming, because I have the genes from your families red hair, freckles and height. I am afraid. I am afraid, I'll be evil,abusive and worthless. After what and who I witnessed you be. I want nothing, to be you. I hope I die, before that could ever occurs.

So, I guess I had to say something .

Finally !

Now that your not here beating me down to the little pulp that I became.
Yet, still am, in these few ways.

So far .

I try to stand just to stand stronger than I am. And I dream in just one of my eyes that I create my own reality, as I have so far believed. You can keep calling me crazy.

That's just fine with me.

Myself.

And Memorie.

We all have agreed we don't want anything to do with being like you!


Absolutely nothing to do with ...

The ones who?
The ones who?



Judge anyone , not dare trying to understand for even a split second.
A crying girl you saw through your pathway to work.You couldn't know why she cried yet you decided it wasn't important enough for you to ask or think.
The fat man that you always see in your city.

No matter whom it be.


You chose to judge.


You chose to love.


Or not.


Your just another reason why she still lives.

Curiousity Dressed in Blood

Silently he bothered me.
With a quick glance he commits a stab.
While the blue blood leaks out and turns to red.

In a murderous shout, "You'll have to do more than that if you want me dead!!!!"

Then my quick fist of survival filled fury, I impact your face, sending those pearly whites flying...
to the adjacent room.

Looking shocked, why should you?
You should have contemplated this before..
You brought the doom.

They payed you to kill me.
You asked yourself if you were powerful enough to do it.
Tracked me down, got close to completing the task.
It was lights out!
I was that close to death!


Lunging at me, as to not give up.
Blade ripping across my calf. Half my muscles hanging out.
I'm still not beheaded.
That's the only way to finish this job.
Considering my hearts' been........... dead.............

Another tussle on the floor.
You look like you want some more.

"Well have no fear dear, i like this fight."
I'm likin' this so much it could go on all night.

Soon our stealth more of a trouble, our blood has created huge puddles.
The knife's gone missing.
All we have left is ourselves and the slight amount energy still dangling.
Exhausted and now near the end,
your on my torso, knees bent, my fragile wrists held to ground.
Last quick punch and for me it's lights out.



They payed you to kill me.
You asked yourself if you were powerful enough to do it.
Tracked me down, got close to completing the task.
It was lights out!
I was that close to death!

My eyes opened to a shocking surprise, sunlight.
Instantly my entire body screamed!

Jumping to see where the fuck I was.
Covered in stitches and bandages.

Your standing in the doorway.
Medically tended to, yourself.
With a tray full of warm breakfast.

Heart inside me pounded with fear of trickery.
I suddenly realized.
You should have killed me.

They payed you to kill me.
You asked yourself if you were powerful enough to do it.
Tracked me down, got close to completing the task.
It was lights out!
I was that close to death!

Trusty Ol' journals.

Not knowing how to tell you how I perceive myself today.

Desolately trapped by my analytically perplexed mind.
Sitting here petrified.
No where to run, no where to hide.
I mean seriously how does one run from one's own thoughts.
Spinnning in endless circles.
Not able to finish a thought.
Before another jumps in out of turn to lead me deeper into absolute confusion.


mem

"WHY?"

Why?

Didn't you just off me when you had the chance, becuase you know i can't do it myself?
Just watching and listening to me for the past few years should have been enough reason for you to do me this one fucking favor.

Chewed me to bits year after year.
Beat me sense less since the age of 5.You'd think that would have been enough.
Of course , it couldn't be that easy.
Powerless even with the eraser in my hand.

I once thought i had mastered the ability to forget.
I was wrong.
You snuck up on me like a starving for that smack rapist.
Stole my clear headed life right out of my cranium.
Drained my willlingness to focus on what healthy life i had built for myself.
Implanting your demons deep with my esoteric soul.